CRUMBY
ISLAND
CIVIC
Crumby Island Municipal Portal
Official Public-Access Civic Website — Est. Whenever The Dock Stopped Being Safe
Civic Advisory
⚠ ACTIVE: ChairGate escalation in progress. Seating enforcement at elevated readiness. Citizens advised to remain standing. ⚠ NOTICE: Deep fryer missing from Dock 4. Do not approach Daryl. Do not acknowledge the bucket. ⚠ ADVISORY: Harewood Harold spotted near City Hall. Citizens advised to secure fries immediately. ⚠ UPDATE: FryCoin is still not legal tender on Crumby Island. Crow has been notified. Crow disagrees. ⚠ REMINDER: Chair Amnesty Week ends Friday. Barb will not be extending it. This is final. ⚠ INCIDENT: Coyote Crew sighted near Dock 3. Do not engage. Leave fries. ⚠ ACTIVE: ChairGate escalation in progress. Seating enforcement at elevated readiness. Citizens advised to remain standing. ⚠ NOTICE: Deep fryer missing from Dock 4. Do not approach Daryl. Do not acknowledge the bucket. ⚠ ADVISORY: Harewood Harold spotted near City Hall. Citizens advised to secure fries immediately. ⚠ UPDATE: FryCoin is still not legal tender on Crumby Island. Crow has been notified. Crow disagrees. ⚠ REMINDER: Chair Amnesty Week ends Friday. Barb will not be extending it. This is final. ⚠ INCIDENT: Coyote Crew sighted near Dock 3. Do not engage. Leave fries.
Official Civic Record — Public Access Grade

Crumby
Island

The island started as a dock argument about fries and escalated into a civic emergency nobody has fully explained. Cumberland Chronicles documented it. CAPA issued press releases. Nobody listened.

Watch the Episodes Active Incidents Public Notices
01
// Department of Civic Incidents

Active Incident Files

Incident File #0001
Classification: Civic / Seating
ChairGate
Filed by
B. Melvin, Bylaw Enforcement
Status
● Ongoing
Last Updated
After the third sit-in
Threat Level
Civic
Lil' Cabbage's beloved chair was confiscated under Bylaw 7-14(b): Unsanctioned Seating in a designated standing zone. What followed: three sit-ins, two poetry threats, one CAPA press release, and an emergency chair audit. The chair has not been returned. Barb says it is in storage. Cabbage says it is war.
Read Full File ›Threat: Civic
Incident File #0002
Classification: Economic / Wildlife
The Fryspiracy
Filed by
Ronnie, CAPA Spokesperson
Status
● Escalating
Last Updated
Dock 4 fryer missing
Suspects
Daryl, Harold, City Hall???
Deep fryers are disappearing across the island. Three confirmed missing. Daryl was seen near Dock 4 with a suspicious-sized bucket. Harewood Harold has grease on his tail feathers. Crow Gravyraven claims this proves his FryCoin theory. CAPA has not confirmed a connection. CAPA is scared.
Read Full File ›Threat: Economic
Incident File #0003
Classification: Wildlife / Territorial
Crumby vs. Zoo Crew
Filed by
Ronnie (reluctantly)
Status
● Brewing
Last Updated
Coyotes spotted in formation
Key Parties
Harold, Daryl, Coyote Crew
The animals are coordinating. Harewood Harold and Daryl appear to be operating a syndicate. The Coyote Crew provides muscle. Buddy Bear is dragging infrastructure into the woods. The city is panicking. A turf war is forming. Burnt oil is in the air. Shithawk is camera-biting again.
Read Full File ›Threat: Territorial
Incident File #0004
Classification: Civic / De-escalation (Failed)
Chair Amnesty Week
Filed by
B. Melvin (Bylaw)
Status
● Contested
Barb's Position
De-escalation
Cabbage's Position
Declaration of war
Barb offered Chair Amnesty Week as a gesture of civic goodwill. Residents could surrender unlicensed seating without penalty. Lil' Cabbage interpreted this as a psychological operation and issued a counter-offer involving twelve chairs and a poem. Nobody surrendered anything. The amnesty ended Friday. Barb extended it. She said she didn't.
Read Full File ›Threat: Political
02
// Known Persons of Interest — Active Registry

Personnel Files

Person of
Interest
Lil' Cabbage
Human Disaster
Lil' Cabbage

Late-30s island menace. Mud-caked denim, floppy cowboy hat. Always feuding with the city. Deeply poetic when mad.

Authorized
BM
Bylaw Authority
Barb Melvin

Municipal fleece, clipboard grip of death, zero patience. Mastermind of ChairGate.

Under Duress
R
CAPA Spokesperson
Ronnie

Nervous, earnest, trapped. Just wants peace. Will issue a press release for anything.

At Large
TP
Fry Strategist
Trash Panda

Fast-talking raccoon in a greasy trench coat. Speaks in schemes. May be blueprinting fry tunnels.

Uncooperative
CG
Conspiracy Operator
Crow Gravyraven

Cracked jacket, fry conspiracy board. Yells about FryCoin. Thinks he's two steps ahead.

Under
Surveillance
DO
Fry Thief
Daryl the Orca

Bucket-holding orca in aviators. Shows up in waters he has no business being in. Denies everything.

Ungovernable
SH
Rap Beef Hazard
Shithawk

Dog-sized seagull, greasy feathers. Loud, feral, camera-biting. Legally ungovernable.

Hostile
HH
Territorial Threat
Harewood Harold

Oversized peacock. Grease-stained tail feathers. Believed to be in league with Daryl.

Whereabouts
Unknown
BB
Silent Menace
Buddy Bear

Seen dragging deep fryers into the woods. Possibly cooking. Always watching. Never speaking.

Deployed
CS
Municipal Escalation
Chair SWAT

Tactical vests, Allen keys, ominous Bluetooth speaker energy. Overfunded. Always ready.

In The
Tunnels
SR
Tunnel Network
Skidmark the Rat

Storm-drain operator. Zip-tie bandolier. Maps tunnels nobody admits exist.

Mobile
CC
Backroad Muscle
The Coyote Crew

Leather-vested coyotes on tiny bikes. Enforcers for Harold and Daryl's syndicate.

03
// Public Notices — Community Board

Municipal Bulletin Board

Lost & Found
LOST: One (1) deep fryer. Last seen near Dock 4 Tuesday evening. Slightly greasy. Answers to nothing. Do not approach Daryl. Reward: 3 wet fries.
— Nobody at City Hall will help
For Sale
FRY FUTURES — Limited supply. Strong returns projected (by me). FryCoin accepted. Cash preferred. Serious inquiries only. Ask for Crow. Do not tell Barb.
— C. Gravyraven
Bylaw Notice
BYLAW 7-14(b) REMINDER: Unsanctioned seating remains a violation regardless of chair sentimental value, poetry output, or how long you've had it. Chair Amnesty Week has ended.
— B. Melvin, Bylaw Enforcement
Found
FOUND: One (1) bucket. Smells like orca. Found at Dock 4 Thursday morning. Not claimed. Not going near it. Someone else deal with this.
— Anonymous
Wanted
WANTED: Whoever took the microwave from the Derby prize table. It was the prize. It was also the only microwave. The situation is as bad as it sounds.
— Bullhead Derby Committee (disbanded)
Community Notice
REMINDER: The storm drain near Dock 2 is not a business address. Do not leave packages for Skidmark. Do not knock. Do not ask about the tunnels.
— Public Works (what's left of it)
04
// Cumberland Chronicles — Official Record

Civic Broadcast Archive

Episode 01 — Cumberland Chronicles
Fries

The crew fights over bait fries on the dock. One fry hits the water. Daryl gives the first silent warning.

Watch on YouTube ›
Episode 02 — Cumberland Chronicles
Bullheads

The crew is broke, hungry, and staring at the dumb idea that starts the Bullhead Derby scam.

Watch on YouTube ›
Episode 03 — Cumberland Chronicles
Plans

In a trailer garage under a harsh work lamp, the fry pyramid gets explained badly and greenlit anyway.

Watch on YouTube ›
Episode 04 — Cumberland Chronicles
Derby

The Bullhead Derby collapses into bait theft, a microwave prize, a fry in the water, and total dock failure.

Watch on YouTube ›
Episode 04.5 — PSA
PSA

A public-access warning from the part of Crumby trying very hard to pretend this is under control.

Watch on YouTube ›
// Next Transmission
More episodes incoming
The island is still happening.
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05
// Report a Concern — Reduced Staff

Public Counter Links

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Music videos, scenes, lore fragments, and public-access-grade town panic.

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